Bad day at the office
by footshooter
Summary: Merlin's having one of those days. Swearing. Sorry about that, but I bet he would if it wasn't a pre-watershed TV Show.


Merlin was in a bad mood. In fact, 'bad mood' probably wasn't strong enough for the way he was feeling right now. Since Uther died (he tried desperately not to think the words 'since I _killed_Uther') Arthur had been more reckless than ever, more of a prat than he'd become accustomed to (but he had just lost his father) and basically, a right moody git.

But Merlin could deal with that, none of that was a (major) issue. Most of it was understandable, and to be fair, Merlin kind of felt it was his fault anyway. So he could cope with it. It was the least he could do for Arthur, just to be there, lend a sympathetic ear, comfort him when he finally broke down and cried, tell him it would be alright; he was loved, had many friends and would make a fantastic king.

The thing that was getting to him was how many damned people kept trying to bump him off.

Merlin stamped round a corner intercepting a man he'd never seen before carrying a rather large jug.

"Hi, I'm the King's manservant. May I ask what that is?"  
>The man looked slightly startled at the question but then smiled,<p>

"It's a gift for the king. I brew wine, y'see. It's a nut brew. King Arthur likes nuts, doesn't he?"  
>"Ah, he's very busy. I'll give him it."<p>

Merlin snatched the jug out of the mans grasp before he knew it and strode off further along the corridor, ignoring his protests, where he uncorked it, sniffed it and shook his head. Nut brew his arse. Can you even brew nuts? What a rubbish attempt at concealing cyanide. And, of course, Arthur would have been flattered and later drowned his sorrows in it before anyone could warn him. Merlin poured it out, more irritation pricking at his stomach.

That was the fifth attempt, and it had only just reached midday.

He continued his stamping, muttering under his breath, a niggling feeling he wished would just go away in the back of his mind telling him he'd forgotten something.

Arthur's voice spoke out behind him,

"_Mer_-lin."

Oh of course. Lunchtime. He turned round and tried to smile.

"Yes, sire?"

"I've been looking for you everywhere and all I can get from people is that you're stamping around the castle like some kind of girl. What the hell is wrong with you and what have you been doing?"

Anger flared up in Merlin's stomach.

"You have no idea, do you?"

Arthur cocked his head and frowned.

"No, Merlin. That's why I asked."

A pair of arms appeared from an alcove, waving around in Arthur's direction.

"Oh, for fucks sake."

Arthur looked confused, even more so when Merlin's eyes flashed gold and an anguished cry came from behind him. He spun around as Morgana staggered out from behind a pillar shaking her hands in the air as if to cool them down.

"You just burnt me!" Morgana shouted, glaring at Merlin.

"Oh, it's you. Brilliant."

"Morgana!" Arthur exclaimed.

"Yes, Arthur, we'd worked that out."

Morgana started advance towards Arthur, who started to back away towards Merlin as she muttered weird words to herself.

"You know what, I can't be fucked with this. Everyone in Camelot is trying to kill him, I've stopped five attempts already today, and you being all menstrual just because Uther didn't tell you he was your dad is not helping!" Merlin shouted.

"Merlin! Do something!" Arthur said, reaching his position and going to cower behind him.

"Oh, now you appreciate my help," he muttered, raising his hand and saying something that made Morgana go flying to the floor as if she'd been hit by a giant mallet or something.

Arthur looked at Merlin, stunned.

"You… You're…?"  
>Merlin sighed, "Yes, I'm a sorcerer. Yes, I have always been a sorcerer. No, I can't help it if you were too thick to notice. No, I am not trying to kill you, nor will I ever be. Apparently, it's my destiny to protect you, we're 'two sides of the same coin' or whatever it was that that dragon told me when he popped into my head, which he does on numerous occasions, and for some reason that means I'm your friend even though you don't appreciate me and you act like a dickhead most of the time!"<p>

Merlin had punctuated each point by counting down on his fingers. When his rant finished, he took a deep breath to calm himself down while Arthur looked at him like a startled rabbit or something.

A grunt, which turned into a cry came from behind them and that geezer who's always wearing black was running towards them brandishing a sword.

"Oh, give me a break, will you?" Merlin sighed, before the guy went arse over tit and flat on his face, skidding along the deck a bit with his sword going flying to the side and out of his reach.

"I mean, who are you anyway? Surely if you cared so much about the kingdom you'd have come around and checked on Arthur before Uther went nuts, right? Some uncle you are, you twat. Mind you, I should have spotted it sooner. No one wears that much black in Camelot unless they're up to something."

This was too much for Arthur.

"What? He was…?"  
>"Yes, he's been trying to kill you all along. Probably been in cahoots with Morgana, too. He never liked your dad, and she wants the throne. A coup must have been underway all this time. Sorry I didn't spot it, but with all of the poisoned wine and cursed underpants flying in your direction ate moment, I'm a bit busy to background research and, or stalk all of the people around you!"<p>

Morgana stood up behind them like some creepy zombie and snarled, pointing,

"I'll get you Arthur! And you Merlin!" before turning into a bat and flying off into the distance.

"Hmm," Merlin said, frowning slightly. "That was just clichéd."

Arthur looked as though he was about to pass out, too much information being thrown at him in too short a time.

"So… You're a sorcerer?"  
>"Yes."<br>"And my uncles been trying to kill me?"  
>"Along with half of Camelot, yes."<br>"And you've been saving my life?"  
>Merlin nodded enthusiastically, and somewhat sarcastically.<p>

Arthur frowned.

"I think I need a drink."  
>Merlin nodded, "Me too."<p>

"Should we get one then?"  
>"Urm, yes," he said, eyes narrowed. "You're not going to burn me at the stake or anything are you?"<br>Arthur laughed, even if it was shakily, "I suppose not. At least I know why you're always following me around now. I thought you were in love with me or something."

Merlin shook his head, "Not everyone is in love with you, Arthur. Seriously. You have such a big head."

"Why else would you try to save my life at the cost of your own so many times, then?"  
>"Because… because the dragon told me too!"<br>"You're just getting ridiculous now, Merlin."

Arthur's uncle had made his way over to the sword, now, and was attempting to get to his feet.

"Just, fuck off!" Merlin shouted, and he turned into a toad. "What is _wrong_with these people? Honestly, I need a less stressful job."

Arthur paused thoughtfully, "I suppose I should make you chief sorcerer of Camelot or something."

The dragon cheered inside Merlin's head and said "took his fucking time!"

"You can shove off as well," Merlin muttered, and Arthur looked confused.

"I was… talking to the dragon. Yes you should."

Arthur clapped Merlin on the back, "Just don't do that in public, eh?" he said, smirking. "You look like a mental."

Merlin groaned. "I want alcohol. And a pay rise."

Arthur laughed. 


End file.
